Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Motherhood: Before and After (Part One?)

I've been wanting to write a post like this for a while now...but blogging time is in very short supply.  Let's hope I can get this done in the 45 seconds I have to spare.  Ready set GO!

Waking up

Before Baby: Ugh it's only 9:30? What am I doing awake right now?? *roll over and sleep for another 2 hours*

After Baby: Wow, it's 7:01! My angel of a child gave me a whole extra minute today.  Bless her little heart.  And it sounds like she's happily playing in her crib!  It's my lucky day!!  I'm just going to close my eyes for another.....nope now she's pissed.  Better go get her.

Going out to grab a coffee

Before: I think I would like a coffee.  I'll just grab my keys, throw on my coat, and go.  Right now!  Maybe I'll call a friend and have her join me so we can sit and talk for a few hours! Yippee!!

After: If I don't get some caffeine in me ASAP I will surely keel over and die.  Three hours total of sleep just isn't enough.  Why does my kid hate me? How am I even functioning at this sub-human level?? Ok, I have to go get a coffee.  Baby's still in her jammies.  I'll just find her an outfit, get her dressed, put together the diaper bag...oh God where is the diaper bag?  Did I leave it in the car again?  "Ok sweetheart, Mommy just has to put you down in the pack n play for 30 seconds...please don't scream like that...I'll be right back." I hope the neighbors don't call CPS.  
*5 minutes later*
Ok, got it.  Now I just need diapers, wipes, her sippy, a few toys and books and we're ready to go.  
*20 minutes later*
Whew.  All set.  Now I'll just get her dressed...
*Another 20 minutes later*
Where in the f*@%& are my keys?
*10 minutes later*
"Ready to go in the car? We're going to get mommy a coffee before she...." sniff sniff.  Yup.  She definitely pooped.  Screw this.


1. Search the web for impressively long and complicated recipe
2. Run to the store for ingredients
3. Prepare the food
4. Eat the food
5. Clean up

1. Search fridge and cabinets for any ingredients that combined may pass for a meal
2. Bring toddler into kitchen to play on the floor
3. Start chopping ingredients
4. Stop to pick up toddler who is incessantly requesting "up"
5. Give toddler a bit of food and return her to the floor
6. Continue chopping ingredients
7. Pick up toddler again as the "up"s begin to sound more sad and desperate
8. Bring toddler to living room, sit her in my lap and read her a book
9. Return to kitchen, place toddler back on the floor
10. Console screaming toddler, give her a pot full of water to play with
11. Finish chopping ingredients
12. Roll up toddler's now soaked sleeves
13. Boil water for pasta
14. Give already bored toddler the empty pasta box
15. Add ingredients to the pan
16. Remove now soggy pasta box from toddler
17. Give soggy pasta box back to toddler to prevent total meltdown
18. Stir ingredients
19. Remove wet cardboard pieces from toddler's mouth
20. Realize it's already 7:30 and that toddler is probably hungry
21. Turn off stove and warm up leftovers for toddler's dinner
22. Feed toddler
23. Bathe toddler
24. Put toddler to bed
25. Clean up massive puddle of water and wet cardboard from the kitchen floor
26. Toss dinner
27. Order Chinese

Taking a shower

Before: I could sure use a shower.  Maybe even a shower/bubble bath.  Perhaps I'll bring this book with me to enjoy while I soak.  And a glass of wine.  This is going to be lovely!
*1 hour later*
Ahh I am so relaxed.  Oh look, my fingers are pruney.  Hehe.  I totally lost track of time in there.  Now I'll go lie down in bed and finish this delightful book!

After: I have to leave for work in 45 minutes and I still haven't showered.  Crap!  Should I just put my hair in a ponytail and load up on deodorant?  No, no...I've changed 3 poopy diapers already today and my tshirt is covered in yogurt.  I need to shower.  
*15 minutes later*
I wonder if I'll ever feel clean again.

Date night

8:00 PM Dinner
9:05 PM Movie
10:35 PM Drinks
1:05 AM Get home
1:35 AM Sexytimes
2:05 AM Fall asleep cuddling

7:00 PM Dinner
8:00 PM Decide to skip the 8:05 movie because we're too tired
8:10 PM Pick up child
8:30 PM Put child in bed
9:00 PM Stare blankly at tv, try to keep eyes open
9:30 PM Faceplant onto bed and pass out

And surprise surprise...I'm out of time.  To Be Continued, hopefully!

1 comment:

  1. Ummm, I JUST read this and it's AMAZING! You are hilarious! You may need to post this everywhere and then all of a sudden you'll have a million likes and be the most famous Mommy blogger around! Ok, well I don't know about that but this is SO DEAD ON! Thank you for making me laugh and realize that I'm not the only one who lives my life like this now!